from the beginning of writing this space, i was not really sure why i would do this, but anyway, it didnt take much to drive myself doing it. i guess i was so much more passionate about life after finishing an unpleasant relationship. i've been writing about chores in daily life and life was so simple, but really light. actually i miss those days, no parents at home, not eating anything at all, went shopping every single day at lunch break with vera, came back to class totally exhausted and fell aslleep. those days are the most blindfold days of my life, yet comparatively happy too. i felt like... i am over with love forever after i survived that one. however, i think i am doomed.

 

    then u showed up. and i was really happy too. sharing and declaring stuff was surely the greatest thing. i guess that was the happiest time of my past few years. things were nothing but mushy talks & sweet pain. but things were...so sweet. but now. i cant concretely think of how that joy exactly felt like anymore... as time goes by, alot of things changed, things are pretty much the same, some truths were told, and fights were over. things were still mushy talks & sweet pain, yet alil bit different, alil bit heavier, alil bit depressing. for i am haunted by something i can hardly overcome, it is really hard. i thought of a thousand ways to solve it but i could only choose to keep it this way coz i am aware of how life would be to me withou u. i dont wanna be like a baby or a bitch, but apparently i've been. sometimes i wish i didnt know nothing. but i know i am wrong. i know u are right.

 

    i wished things were in a whole different way. or i hope i was just another person, but everyone knows i was just trying to think in vain. things are in this way now and they are always gonna be. i am not the one to change them, not anyone else either. not u of coz. coz it is really not ur problem.

 

    i've left my space barren for long, i didnt want to write a word. friends were all askin, why u dont write anymore, but i am too lazy to even explain in a few words. i guess i am just losing track of everything... independence, study, friends, leisure time... until barton told me one day : bernice one of your comments is a link to porn, u'd better delete it.  i said i knew it for long, i was going to close this space down officially. but i never did.  and that gave me a strike making me realize how i've been hiding from things were actually there. i didnt shut the space down coz, maybe i was still having a lil fantasy i will get over with things and be ok writing it again. and now i think it's time. tides are tides, they must go.

 

    it's already been one year...

 

                                        i am not gonna write anything anymore.

 

                                                              SEALED.